JONNY’S DECLASSIFIED SCHOOL SURVIVAL GUIDE: How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

Let’s be honest, it is going to happen. Maybe not tomorrow, or the next day, but probably on my birthday because I’m really unlucky. Like, two of my biggest fears are 1) that some serial killer in Alaska or something will get caught and have the exact same name as me, so every time I slide into someone’s DMs or make a Tinder profile people will immediately think I’m his son (or am him because I definitely give off that serial killer vibe) and will block me. Oh, and my second fear is zombies. I have been a fan of The Walking Dead for quite some time now (#RIPANDREA) and I can easily point out the flaws that Rick and his fellow survivors have. It is important to note that you won’t only be fighting against zombies, but also rogue humans who are on the prowl like Simon Cowell (my favorite expression ever). Read this article and you’ll at least make it to week two of the end of civilization, I promise!

Step One: Have A Lot of Fun:

So the world just went up in flames, and while all the die hard survivors are surviving, remember that you are a liver, so you should go and live! Speaking of which, chopped liver is so good omg. Anyways, go get a bada$$ weapon like a baseball bat or a military grade tank and just wreck stuff up. The first few days are all about YOU. Do your thang, go to the White House and eat a corndog in the President’s bed, or go bungee jumping out of a red helicopter in Egypt, whatever dream fantasy your heart desires. It’s not like you can get in trouble, right? Want that prom dress that your nemesis posted on the Prom Dress Facebook Page before you had the chance to? Don’t go to the mall and find it for yourself, go break in to that thot’s house and steal it. Odds are, she is zombie food right now because she thought the ZA (the cool way of saying zombie apocalypse) would never happen. The possibilities are endless in a world of no rules, so before the real drama actually begins, live your life.

Step 2: Assemble a Team:

You have to find a diverse group of people that each hold their own unique set of skills and character traits that makes them interesting. So basically, recreate the Breakfast Club but add weapons, the motive to survive the zombie apocalypse rather than survive Saturday detention, and a cool team name. The team name is crucial, as it could either make or break your zombie killing squad. Do something that has NEVER been done before, something creative and violent. I highly suggest “Destiny’s Post-Apocalyptic Child” or the “Washington Redskins”. Also, make a cool logo and you guys can wear matching T-Shirts! You can even recreate your own identities by coming up with cool nicknames like “The Destroyer” or “Worst Nightmare” or “ Aunt Becky”. I don’t know about you, but I’d be shaking in my boots if I had to go toe to toe with an Aunt Becky!

Yes, http://mapofthedead.com/ is a real thing.

Step 3: Get Supplies:

You need supplies, like food and stuff. Check out the really cool website MAPOFTHEDEAD.COM . You can type in your address and it will outline all of the important places for you to pick up supplies in case of a ZA. It marks all of the pharmacies, grocery stores, every place necessary to sustain you and your team. It also comes in the form of an app, but I guess Step 3 is entirely useless if everybody loses internet access. Zombies may eat hearts, but hopefully they aren’t heartless enough to eat our wifi routers. Nobody can be that cruel. Also, if you do have internet, pre-pick your Netflix shows that you can binge-watch while hiding from the zombies. I highly suggest Saved By The Bell because it is one of he greatest shows of all time. Did you know they all bullied the actor that played Screech, Dustin Diamond? It’s kind of sad, but whatever, it’s not my fault.

Step 4: Become Non-expendable

Non-expendable means necessary enough to want to keep around. If you didn’t know that, you’ll probably die in the ZA because your lack of intelligence clearly makes you expendable. Work to your strengths in your group. In case of a ZA, I completely plan on being the comic relief of my group of survivors. Like, if someone gets eaten and the zombies are devouring the person limb from limb, I’ll elbow my buddy and say “I’ll have what he’s having!”. If you are horribly unfunny unlike myself, you can use other strengths to help you become an important member of your group.

Step 5: Be Realistic:

Honestly, you and your pals are definitely not going to get all Floyd Mayweather vs Manny Pacquaio. Accept the fact that the only way you’ll survive is being important. Treat the zombie apocalypse like a tv show and evaluate yourself. Would you be listed as a main character on IMDB, or would your name just appear in the credits? It’s a proven fact that the most important people in history cannot die! Except Martin Luther King Jr. and Freddie Mercury and JFK and so many world leaders but hey, who knows right? Those could easily be coincidences. Rick, who is the main character of The Walking Dead didn’t die yet and it’s been almost six seasons. Did you ever wonder why #SPOILERS IN 3… 2… 1… T-Dawg and Carol’s annoying daughter died? Because the producers didn’t care enough about their characters to keep them around! Or they wanted to save money. Or were just bored. Either way, be important, stand out, make change, and be important. I said ‘be important’ twice to show how important it is to be important. There is a 68% chance that this will probably save your life one day. I guesstimated. I also hate the ‘word’ guesstimated. It’s such a stupid thing to say, I can’t even.

Step 6: Disregard Almost Everything You’ve Just Read

Clearly I am no expert on surviving and toughness, but I think we can all agree that I am kind of funny. Step three is important, the website will seriously help you out. But, to be honest, the rest is crap. But seriously, if you’re nervous about a zombie apocalypse don’t be. Just stress about the important things in life, like college, ACTs, SATs, AP tests, prom, twitter ratios, Instagram likes, girlfriends, boyfriends, paying for gas, the economy, student loans, disappointing your parents, Monica Lewinsky, being a bad friend, failing a test, eating too much, eating too little, gluten, GLUTONIUM (which is the new element on the periodic table that stems from gluten. Also, where is gluten going? If some foods are gluten free, then where is it? Where does it all go? Laws of the universe or whatever states that matter cannot be created or destroyed. So, is there some gigantic gluten warehouse in Nebraska that houses all of the expendable gluten? Why is gluten even a problem? What if gluten is helpful and the government just wants it for itself. I’m rambling, I know, but I might be onto something… I might have to go an do some investigative journalism. Also, did you know that “…” are called ellipses?). Anyways, just Google how to survive the zombie apocalypse (or BING it because I believe in equality) and go from there. And who knows, maybe if the ZA comes your way (RHYME) a portion of this article might get you through a night or two. Either way, you’re welcome.

I wish I got paid for this.

~fthspatpress.com