Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Five things The Walking Dead has taught us about the Zombie Apocalypse (Spoilers)

Number 5: Zombies must like gardening
It has been a couple of years since the tragedy of ‘Z-Day’, turning all good God-fearing folk into mindless, flesh-chomping marauders, yet many of the frontages of properties featured in TWD seem quite well manicured, and not at all the overgrown mess my garden is after just a couple of months of neglect, let alone years. This leads me to believe that those mindless zombies must whittle their non TWD hours with a bit of green-thumbing. Or else Rick and his buddies are doing a helluva job keeping those verges tidy. 

Number 4: ZA Dental Care
Despite the grimy skin, lack of showers or decent grooming equipment, it is astounding how many of Rick’s crew have gleaming pearly-whites! You would think that yellow, or at least mother of pearl would be colour sported by most survivors, whose diet consists of highly preserved foods like Hershey Bars, jerky and sugar-coated sponges. Yet all seem to have wonderful teeth. Dentists beware: you could be one of the first to go when the Zombie Apocalypse strikes!

Number 3: Only the good die young
How many douche-bags can one group of people meet? Come to think of it, how many douche bags are in the group? In the first season, we met Merle: the racist, fouled-mouthed psycho who was left chained to the roof to become zombie chowder. We also had his half-wit brother Daryl. The second season brought us the fall of Shane, the “unknown” strangers that tried to kill Rick and his crew in the village, not to mention the coldness of Herschel who wanted nothing more than to send the group away (a good call, mind you, since they brought hell down on the Green Farm). 

The third season was a doozy: the Governor and his psychotic crew providing the main antagonistic threat, as well as the re-emergence of the erstwhile Merle. Rick also went bananas after losing Lorrie. The Fourth season could hardly be crammed with more douche bags: The Governor returns, Carol goes off the reservation – killing Tyrone’s sick girl-friend, the weird woman in the forest tries to feed Rick to her turned husband, Joe’s group go around beating the living crap out of Rick and friends (deep breath, we’re almost there), the alcoholic doc puts all and sundry in danger trying to nab some catnip, Lily becomes a psychopath and kills her sister, precipitating a further notch on Carol’s less than stellar belt, and finally, in the final episode, “The Sanctuary” turns out to be a cannibal farm!

What wonders await in season 5? We know they have to deal with the cannibals, but what else? Sociopathic circus midgets with a penchant for buggery? Perhaps transgender insurance salespersons whose real goal is to suck your brain out through your nostrils…

Number 2: Women love a bad boy

There appears to be no end of bad choices for women in this show. Yes I know Glenn is a keeper for Maggie, but take a look at the rest…

Season 1: Lorrie is boffing Shane – we know how that turned out! There is also Carol and her abusive husband.
Season 2: Andrea is boffing Shane (funnily not the worst person she ends up with…).
Season 3: Andrea gazumps both Lorrie and her own poor judgement by boffing none-other than the Governor! Wow. It turned out to be a fatal mistake. There is also a weird thing going on between Carol and Daryl. Well at least the love poems make an easy rhyme…
Season 4: The Governor gets some more action, this time from a young mother. Beth also is in love, but this lasts a mere 20 minutes before the young lad becomes Zombie chow. 
Season 5 has endless opportunity with the introduction of a couple of new characters. What other ill-fated romances will season 5 give us?

Number 1: Rick Grimes is the Jessica Fletcher of Zombie Apocalypses!
For those of you not in the know, Jessica Fletcher was the primary protagonist of the long-running Murder She Wrote series. The Cabot Cove native was involved in no fewer than 200 murder investigations, despite being an author and not at all involved in law enforcement. It was often joked that if an old friend from Jessica’s past was introduced at the beginning of the show, they were as good as dead.

Sadly for Rick, it appears he has caught Fletcheritis. He awoke from the hospital weeks after Z-Day, miraculously recovering from a coma. He fights his way through the flesh-chewing hordes to reunite with his former deputy, Shane and his wife and son. Over the course of the first season alone, the Atlanta survivors lost no fewer than 8 of their members. After going weeks without a fatality, it took Rick days to half the flock. 

Season 2 didn’t see Rick fare much better. He lost another three Atlanta survivors, as well as decimating the Green family farm staff. It is little wonder Herschel wanted him off his property.

Season 3 saw Rick’s flock increase slightly upon capturing the prison. He still lost several stalwarts, including T-dog, Andrea and most devastatingly for Rick, his wife Lorrie. We also lost about 0.2 of Herschel when his leg was lopped off. We also find out that the bloke that Rick met in his first days after the hospital lost his son, so there’s another notch on Rick “Fletcher” Grimes’ belt. The final bloody battle with the Governor took its toll, with several other survivors under Rick’s care killed. He did, however, extend the flock a great deal, taking in the Woodbury settlers.

Season 4 saw Rick’s worst record. A virus decimated the camp in the opening episodes, the cause of which is still unknown. The other 0.8 of Herschel was lost when the Governor decapitated him. One of the best ones was the young couple he and Carol met while gathering supplies. The young woman had a gammy leg, the young man looked as green as grass, but they had survived what must be years by themselves. A few hours after meeting Rick: yep they’re dead. 

The moral here is, if you meet Andrew Lincoln in the midst of a Zombie Apocalypse, run away. Run as fast as you can!


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