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From The Blog 'Flesh From The Morgue' Zombie Author John McCuaig Is Bringing Culture To The Undead In The U.K.

From The Blog 'Flesh From The Morgue' Zombie Author John McCuaig Is Bringing Culture To The Undead In The U.K.

Now back to business with a rather unique gentlemen John McCuaig. Hailing from across the pond in the U.K., he's a die hard zombie loving fanatic. He allowed me the privilege of previewing a piece of his work. I was immediately impressed and my first thought after finishing Last Train to Dover (Escape From Dead City) was I had to interview this chap!

1. Bring John McCuaig into focus for my readers. What gives you personal inspiration and what hobbies do you indulge in that doesn't involve writing and the dead?

First of all, thanks for inviting me along, Jamal. My inspiration comes from a deep rooted fear of zombies, it’s so bad I struggle to sleep after watching some movies or reading particular scenes in books. Several times I’ve woke the house up with my screaming nightmares as I’m eaten alive inside some derelict old house. My missus thinks I’m mad for writing about them as well, I guess she may well have a point.Well, I love to walk my unbelievably daft dogs, Tyler and Molly, brother and sister Dalmatians. We do about an hours walk every night, come rain or shine, and I also find it’s good that my partner Pam and I can have a bit of time together to just chat away without too many distractions.

2. John what genres have you penned stories in? What is your preferred topic? Have your anthology submissions crossed genres or have you stuck with zombies as your go to?

With my short stories I’ve dabbled in most genres of horror from vampires, werewolves and sea monsters to ghosts and evil spirits. I’ve even done a little bit of sci-fi and a so far unpublished supernatural crime thriller, but zombies have always been, and will probably stay, my first love.



3. How do you take your zombies traditional Night of The Living Dead or something more non conventional? What are your feelings on the recent explosion in zombie stories from authors in U.K.? Living in London what do you see in the zombie culture on your side of the pond?

I much prefer the slow, shambling type of zombies but have no real problem with the faster type, I just don’t see how they can move that fast while rotting away. If they are to be fast then I prefer them to be infected, like in 28 Days Later, rather than re-animated.
The rise in UK based zombie stories has been a pleasant surprise. Whether that is a bit of social commentary with regards to the recession, or just us UK authors wanting to put our own take on proceedings I’m not too sure, but either way, bring them on. Although Escape from Dead City is not a great example of this point I think there is also the obvious lack of weapons over here. You can’t pop over to your cupboard and grab a few machine guns and set about them. Taking on the hordes with just a chunk of wood is certainly a little bit more scary. 


4. When I first read you work "Escape from Dead City" it was titled "The Last Train to Dover." Obviously there was a change in title was this something you wanted to do or was this an idea from your publisher? How do you maintain "artistic" control over your work and not compromise the vision you had for your work?

The idea came from the publisher but it was only a recommendation, they said I could keep it but felt that it needed something more “generic” to make it stand out. I asked a few friends for advice and went through dozens of options until I decided on this one. I’m sure there would have been no real issue if I wanted to keep Last Train. I must however admit that it was a pretty tough decision, but the right one I believe.
I think keeping your vision is paramount but you must also be able to take some advice, or at the very least listen to it before deciding.


5. I have seen your stories appear in stand alone novels and in novel/novella format with your name in the marquee spot. What is your preference if you have one? I know we all love to see our names take top billing but what are the difficulties versus the rewards of writing a quick short and a full novel length novel?

I prefer novels to be honest but it’s time to take a break for a while. I want to do another short story collection. I’ve done one already, “Children of the Plague” that’s out on Amazon, and feel ready to have a go at another. Novels can be pretty draining, if you are stuck you have to break your way through, get stuck on a short- just work on another until you are ready. The freedom of shorts seems more than appealing for the next few months. It will be horror but my thinking at this time is a max of one or two from each sub genre. That may be a bit too varied for some peoples tastes but that’s the plan for now. Or I could just revert to type and do all zombie!


6. I had the privilege of previewing Escape From Dead City and thoroughly enjoyed it. One can see you knowledge of the railway system at play through out the story. Take us through Escape From Dead City John from concept to publication. How does one pen a story that take us from the streets of the U.K. to the coast of France and beyond?
For my sins I do work on the railways, for the last 23 years actually, and to think I only joined them until I found another job! Living in a large city like London I often wondered how I would try and escape when the undead come. A few hundred tonnes of metal flying along at 100mph seemed as good a way as any, and something that others would think of as well. From that start it was getting some characters together with the need, and the knowledge, to try and get aboard.

I write my stories a little bit different than most people. I start off with about 8-10 chapter headings, this acts as a very rough outline, usually without an ending, then I jump backwards and forwards trying to build the story. I might do 500 words on chapter one, then a thousand on chapter eight and back to chapter five for a while. The story changes all the time, I add some chapters and completely delete others, and in next to no time it bares little resemblance to what I started with. The jaunt over to France felt like the next natural step when trying to escape the hordes, I try to put myself in situations and ask “what would I do next?” Which is a bit strange, as I know if the dead did rise all I would do is have a heart attack. I contacted Severed Press and asked them if they would like to have a look at it, I had just signed the contract for Metahorde, they did and within a couple of weeks agreed to publish it as well. I think from the first e-mail to it actually being published was only about two months or so, far quicker than normal.

7. Now for your latest work of literary art "Meta-horde: A Ministry of Zombie Novel." Tell me how "Meta-horde" differs from your others works? Have you taken the concept of the living dead and thrown caution to the wind? What elements come together to make "Meta-horde" unique?

First of all it’s a collab novel with Sean Page. We get on very well, now that’s a must but we could also throw ideas backwards and forwards without any fear. Sean had wrote a fair bit about the Metahorde in his previous work so that was his idea but most of the rest was a combined effort. I honestly can’t remember much that wasn’t a joint decision after a bit of a brain storming session. This type of project isn’t for everyone I’m sure, but I thoroughly enjoyed it and would do it again in a heartbeat.

The story is set a few years after the rising, and although this has been done before we believe we’ve taken a fresh look at what could happen if the zombie’s food ran out- all that was left was safe and sound behind strong defences. Would the undead act any differently? Would their basic instincts change to start to form together in unimaginably high numbers? All through natural history we have seen even the most basic of creatures learn to adapt, this is not through intelligence as we know it but through the greatest need of all- the will to survive. 

I also believe this is a good old fashioned “ripping yarn”, the action flies along as we take a jaunt to camps in Croatia, France, Italy, the U.K and China to name just a few. Different groups have different ideas on survival and would they actually care for anyone else out there, living maybe hundreds of miles away? We’re really pleased with the end product and hope our readers are too.

"A visceral gore fest done right. The constant tension and suspense leaves you gritting your teeth. I loved it. My kind of read." 
- P. A. Douglas, author of Epidemic of the Undead
"Metahorde grips you from the beginning, dragging you through the doomed trenches of the gathering undead. It's exciting and terrifying -- humanity doesn't stand a chance."
　- Rebecca Besser, Author of Undead Drive-Thru and Nurse Blood

8. What is on the horizon from you John? What works and projects can we expect and give us a general idea as to how long we will have to wait?


I have two other novels off at publishers, just waiting now to hear the yah or nay-
Pyramid of the Dead- A play on the historic event of how a few hundred Spanish Conquistadors managed to bring down the strongest Empire of that time- the Incans. This has sort of zombies in it, the undead are up and on the hunt but rather than some virus they are controlled by a God from the Underworld. It’s a tale of greed and betrayal, of black magic and faith.

Fallen Angel- A first for me, this is a paranormal/crime thriller. All over London priests are being butchered and churches destroyed. A cop and a church envy work together and discover that one of Satan’s Fallen Angels is trying to return to earth.
As soon as I get word on them I’ll announce it on my blog.


9. John tell me and everyone else where your fans gather? Where can we find John McCuaig on the web and other social media outlets?

I have a blog-  www.johnmccuaig.blogspot.co.uk 

A website but this desperately needs updating-  www.johnmccuaig.com

Face book- John McCuaig and Twitter- @johnmccuaig


10. Other than your own work about the living dead which zombie themed works, comics, media and authors entertain John in his spare time?

I'm a big fan of Sean Page, my co-author of Metahorde, this is how we first started talking. His “The Official Zombie Handbook” is an amazing read where I could lose myself for hours. Timothy W. Long’s “Among the Living” is another favourite of mine, great characters and several different takes on how to face the same rising. I read this at its original publisher before it was picked up by Permuted Press.

Still my No.1 is however “Tomes of the Dead: Words of their Roaring”. Not universally critically acclaimed and even featuring the unthinkable- thinking zombies but it somehow hit the perfect note for me, even after a half dozen readings it’s still a great way to spend a weekend.

I am also a big fan of the Resident Evil games, apart from number 5, and am looking forward to the next one. The previews and beta tests seem promising. 

Ace The Zombie Distribution Fundraiser Screening

Tuesday October 23 at the Plaza Theatre (Atlanta, GA)

• Hello everyone, BIG NEWS for your October entertainment! We're hosting two special screenings of Ace The Zombie this October on the 21st and 23rd, 9:30 PM at the fabulous Plaza Theatre in Atlanta! Why? Two reasons; 1) Who doesn't want to see their favorite indie zombie comedy on the big screen? (I know I do!) and, 2) We’re raising money for our Pre-Distribution checklist! That’s right! You’ll also be helping us raise funds we need for DISTRIBUTION! Yes! It’s really happening! The hard work of a couple hundred really dedicated folks is about to be seen by the WORLD! Sebastian Twardosz at Circus Road Films loves Ace and has agreed to represent us to the top 50 distribution companies--Warner Brothers, MGM, Universal, Lionsgate--he knows them all. All we need to get the movie out to the world is a Dolby certified 5.1 mix, music and effects only track (so the dialog can be dubbed into foreign languages), subtitles, and of course errors and omissions insurance and legal representation. Be sure to check out the true bad-asses of the indie film distribution scene! http://www.circusroadfilms.com/index.html We’ll also be launching an IndiGoGo campaign in the next couple of days that will feature some kick-ass perks such as Ace The Zombie tee shirts, 11 x 17 Lobby Cards , and a Special Limited Edition Ace The Zombie DVD! (Don‘t tell anyone but you just might be able to get them at the screenings too, hint, hint) Want to impress your date, friends and family? Bring them out to see Ace The Zombie *before* it goes big time! At the last screening there were a ton of requests for advance tickets. So if you want to get your tickets in advance and guarantee you’ll get in here’s how: log onto Paypal.com, choose option “send cash” and send 9.00 per ticket requested to tronicmale@yahoo.com. Please be sure to specify Sunday Oct 21 or Tues Oct 23. Print out you receipt and that will serve as your ticket(s) LIMIT OF 20 TICKETS PLEASE! Hurry, get yours now! So come on out and have a great time with us at the fabulous Plaza Theatre and help us get this great indie film distributed to the world! I’ll be there both nights and am really looking forward to seeing YOU there. Oh, can you do me a favor? Please share this and help us get the word out! Your friends will want to come too! Plaza Theatre 1049 Ponce DeLeon Ave Atlanta, Georgia 30306 Website! Facebook!

Zombies! The Asylum and 13th Floor dare you to nut up or shut up (Denver, CO)

Zombies=never not cool.

Zombies have never not been cool as f*ck, but thanks to the insane popularity of The Walking Dead, anything and everything zombie is what all the cool kids are into this Halloween season, and two of Denver's premier haunted houses are feeding some bwains into the trend with the "Undead" trapped-in-by-zombies-farmhouse at the 13th Floor, and the "Zombieland" deserted-except-zombies urban landscape attraction at The Asylum.

13th Street is dead-ringing in its fifth-anniversary year with two new state-of-the-art monsters -- all cutting-edge computer/monster/animatronics technology, so much so that these monsters will be the focus of an episode of Travel Channel TV's Making Monsters premiering on September 30 and airing every Sunday in October (the air date for the episode featuring the 13th Floor is TBA). 13th Street is tag-teaming with Greeley-based animatronics company Distortions Unlimited, along with Microsoft and Intel, to pull this off, and it's pretty sweet that Denver gets to be on the vanguard of new, creepy monster technology.

And that's not all: 13th Street will also have a Yeti; a snow cave (hopefully all ice planet Hoth-tastic); a "Temple of Doom" with a rock cave, fossils and dinosaurs, improved and extended sewer scene, a laser swamp, Mayan tombs, shifting hallways, spinning tunnels....and zombies.

The new Undead attraction (included in the ticket price with 13th Floor) is in an old built-to-scale farmhouse, where guests will get to "fend for their lives" all Shaun of the Dead-ish as zombies try to get in.

The Asylum has been scaring the sh*t out of Denverites since 2002 with its circa 1800s-tastic insane-asylum vibe: electroconvulsive shock therapy, straitjackets, branding patients' heads with a red hot iron and all that good stuff. This year, haunted house-goers get a redesigned layout with new rooms, new facades, animatronics and forty actors whose sole purpose is to make sure you wet yourself.

The Asylum's Zombieland debuted in 2011, and it's back: an "abandoned city where all humans have gone and only zombies remain."

And for all the gift-shop addicts, there will be new souvenirs: zombie dolls, zombie attack kits -- not sure if real axes are included -- and zombie tees.

Here's the skinny-bones on both places: locations, dates, op-hours and ticket info.

13th Floor/Undead is located at 4120 Brighton Boulevard C2 (a couple blocks south of the Denver Coliseum); there's a free parking lot and street parking is also available. The season starts on Friday, September 28, and runs through November 3 (it's closed October 1-3 and November 1); hours of operation are 7-11 p.m. Sunday through Thursday, 7-midnight Friday and Saturday. Tickets Sunday through Thursday are $22 (for both 13th Floor and Undead); VIP Fast Pass to both haunts (no lines!) is $32. Tickets Friday and Saturday are $25 and VIP Fast Pass to both haunts (no lines!) is $35. Immediate door access anytime is $45.

The Asylum/Zombieland is located at 6100 East 39th Avenue (one block west of Monaco); there's a free parking lot and street parking is available. The season starts on Friday, September 28 and runs through November (it's closed October 1-3, October 8-9 and November 1): Hours of operation are 7-10 p.m. Sunday through Thursday, 7-midnight Friday and Saturday. Tickets Sunday through Thursday are $20 (for both tje Asylum and Zombieland); VIP Fast Pass to both haunts (no lines!) is $30. Tickets Friday and Saturday are $22 and VIP Fast Pass to both haunts (no lines!) is $32. Immediate door access anytime is $45.

Tickets can be purchased at the door, by phone at 303-355-FEAR or online here.

Zombie Attacks Coming to Tinley Park, IL

Odyssey Fun World at Harlem and Oak Park avenues in Tinley Park is bringing back its Fun Farm and Corn Maize for Halloween and has lots more in store this season.

“We have a lot of cool stuff going on at night this year,” said Clint Paraday, general manager of the amusement park.

The biggest thrill will probably be the Zombie Safari complete with attacks by zombies and the chance to blast them with turret-mounted paintball guns.

“Special trailers with 10 paintball guns on each side will venture out and stop at certain scenes where the trailer will be attacked by zombies,” said Paraday. “Each rider will start out with 75 paintballs and they can buy more if they are especially trigger happy.”

The safari goes for about 15 minutes and they will run from 7 p.m. to midnight on Friday, Saturday and Sunday from Sept. 29 through Oct. 28.

“The Zombie Safari will also be offered at our Naperville location,” Paraday said.

Also new at night on weekends will be the flashlight maze.

“People will be able to go through the maze at night with flashlights, without zombies,” Paraday said. “People can bring their own flashlights or rent one.”

Also new this year is a giant pillow that 40 to 50 kids can jump on at the same time, said Paraday.

The Odyssey Fun World mobile zip line has been moved across the street to the fun farm.

Returning this year is the pumpkin patch.

“We have a 10-acre pumpkin patch where people can go to pick out their own pumpkins,” he said. “The weather ruined it last year but this year’s weather was great for pumpkins.”

Also back and improved is the corn bin.

“We have increased the size of the corn box and probably have 15 tons of corn kernels in there for kids to play in,” Paraday said. “Last year the corn box held 10 tons.”

Also back from last year are the hayrides and pig races.

The Fun Farm will be open daily from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. from Sept. 29 to Oct. 28. General admission is $10 with additional costs for the zip line and pony rides. The Zombie Safari costs $15.

But Odyssey is offering ticket deals through mailers, Living Social and Group On, Paraday said.

For information, visit Odyssey Fun Farm's website.

   

Get George Romero A Star On The Hollywood Walk Of Fame!

WHY SHOULD I DONATE?

If you're a fan of zombie movies, zombie video games, or zombie books. If you participate in zombie walks, or you're involved in zombie culture in any way, you have legendary director George A. Romero to thank for that.
Romero invented the modern zombie with his 1968 horror classic Night of the Living, launching a global phenomenon that continues to infect pop culture more than 40 years later.

Help give something back to the man who's given us so much by donating to the effort to get George Romero a Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
If you can only spare a dollar, give a dollar. If $5 is your limit, that' great.

Our hope is that zombie fans around the world take advantage of this opportunity to show Romero what the monster he created has meant to us all.
Together we will make it happen!

WHERE DOES THE MONEY GO?

All proceeds from this campaign will go towards getting George Romero the Star he deserves, and helping him to enjoy the honor. The more money we raise ABOVE our base goal, the better job we'll be able to do on behalf of fans everywhere.

This is the one and only time that we the fans can make a profound and lasting statement of gratitude directly to the man himself, and we want to do it right!
Here's how the budget breaks down:

1) COST OF THE STAR

The Star alone costs $30,000 paid directly to the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce for its installation and lifetime maintenance, so that amount gets taken right off the top of whatever we raise.This is by far the largest chunk of our goal. NOTE: The price for the Star was recently raised from $25K to $30K, so your donation is more important than ever!

2) APPLICATION PROCESS

We want to make sure that Romero's application is accepted in the first place, which means a big promotional push that will include paid advertising, public relations consultants, and celebrity networking. It does no good to apply on behalf of Romero and get turned down. But if we do fall short the first time, we'll keep trying until we make it happen!

3) HOSTING ROMERO

Once Romero is selected we want to show him just how much he's meant to tens of millions of fans, filmmakers and artists across the globe by flying him out to Hollywood to receive his Star, and giving him the royal treatment.

4) FIXED COSTS

Lastly there are nuts-and-bolts expenses, such as the fees collected by indie gogo and the taxes that we must pay to the government to make sure no one ends up in jail after all of this.

WHAT DO I GET FOR DONATING?

We've got some great giveaways for donating at different levels. See full descriptions in the right column, and some images below.

$25 OR MORE

We are not including an image of the limited edition certificate you receive for giving $25 or more, because we don't want it to be copied and reproduced. The certificate is intended to be a rare collectors item for years to come. We promise that it will blow you away when you receive it.

$50 OR MORE

Here is a draft of the t-shirt design you get for donating $50 or more. The final design will include relevant information, marking your involvement in the campaign an the significance of Romero's work.

$100 OR MORE

Here is an example of the art print you get for donating $100 or more. We are only offering 200 of this museum quality print through the Romero Star campaign. Get it before it's gone for good!

$1,000 OR MORE

Here is an example of the extremely rare chest patch that comes affixed to a sports coat as part of your lifetime honorary Zombie Research Society Board appointment for donating $1,000 or more.

 

WHAT IF HE DOESN'T GET IT?

Though small, there is always a risk that the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce will not select Romero for a Star on our first round of applications. But if we meet our kickstarter goal we will not stop until he is awarded the Star he deserves.
We've already received overwhelming support from celebrities and fans alike, so this project is sure to succeed if we all pull together and give what we can.






For more info or to donate, go here!

BEYOND THE GRAVE AVAILABLE ON NETFLIX IN THE U.S & LATIN AMERICA

I do like me a mashup of various genres. When done right the viewer gets a great film that captures the best elements of the genres that are being mashed up. How about a mash up of the zombie, serial killer, existential road movie, and spaghetti western?!??! Just think of the possibilities!! Well BEYOND THE GRAVE (PORTO DOS MORTOS aka MÁS ALLÁ DE LA TUMBAB) aims to do just that. Check out the press release:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
September, 2012

BEYOND THE GRAVE Available on Netflix for USA and Latin America

PORTO ALEGRE, Brazil – The Brazilian feature filmBEYOND THE GRAVE (aka PORTO DOS MORTOS aka MÁS ALLÁ DE LA TUMBA), produced by Lockheart Filmes, is now available on the VOD platform in USA, Latin America and also Caribbean. A mixture of art-house horror, existential road movie and spaghetti western, the movie can be watched instantly on Netflix in more than 40 countries. Winner of two international awards and selected for the Chicago Latino Film Festival and Festival Internacional del Nuevo Cine Latinoamericano (Cuba), among others, BEYOND THE GRAVEgained a cult status following among underground film festivals and Internet critics around the globe. Shot in HD on locations in the city of Porto Alegre, the production budget is estimated in US$ 150K.

BEYOND THE GRAVE is the feature directorial debut of 33 years old filmmaker Davi de Oliveira Pinheiro, who also writes and produces. The film follows the post-apocalyptic journey of the Officer(Rafael Tombini) who hunts a mystical serial killer known as the Dark Rider (Adriano Basegio). Across wastelands populated by reanimated corpses, he will put his remaining sanity to the test against a nemesis that could have brought the end of the world. Shooter (Ricardo Seffner) and Nina (Amanda Grimaldi), a couple of teenagers, are the first living souls to cross paths with the policeman on his quest. The younglings have lost their loved ones to the maniac and also seek revenge. More info can be found on the official Facebook page: www.facebook.com/portodosmortosoficial.

Synopsis
In a devastated post-apocalyptic world where the rules of reality are transformed by magic and madness, a vengeful police officer searches for a possessed serial killer in a battle of the not-so-good versus absolute evil.

http://movies.netflix.com/WiMovie/70242120

http://movies.netflix.com/WiMovie/Beyond-the-Grave/70242120?locale=en-US

Official Site: http://www.beyondthegravemovie.com

Official Facebook Page: http://www.facebook.com/porto.dos.mortos.oficial

Check out the trailer!

SUNDAY FUNNIES 09/30

ANOTHER 'WALKING DEAD' WTF?!?

YOU'RE FAMOUS! (or is that infamous...?)

7 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Outbreak Would Fail (Quickly)

Let's pretend for a moment that zombies are real (as if half of you weren't already daydreaming about that very thing). Have you noticed how most zombie movies take place only after the apocalypse is in full-swing? By the time we join our survivors, the military and government are already wiped out, and none of the streets are safe.

There's a reason the movie starts there, and not earlier. It's because the early part, where we go from one zombie to millions, doesn't make any sense. If you let the creeping buzzkill of logic into the zombie party, you realize the zombies would all be re-dead long before you even got a chance to fire up that chainsaw motorcycle you've been working on. Why?

#7.

 

They Have Too Many Natural Predators

Do you know why we, as humans, are at the top of the current food chain? Not because we're hard to kill (well, with the exception of Steven Seagal). We're not; we're little more than tasty flesh bags waiting for an errant horn or claw to spill our guts like a meat pinata. No, we're on top simply because we are so absurdly good at killing things ourselves. A good offense, as they say, is the best de-LOOK THERE'S A DUCK! MURDER IT!

We are simply too smart and too well-armed for any wild animal to hunt. Now consider the poor zombie. It lacks every single advantage that has kept humanity from being eaten to extinction. It wanders around in the open, it can't use weapons, it can't think or use strategy. It doesn't even have the sense of self preservation to run and hide when it's in danger. And, it's made entirely out of food. It's easy prey for any animal that wants it.

If you're saying, "Sure, but it's not like my city is full of bears that can come eat all the zombies," you need to think smaller. Insects are a major pain in the ass for living humans, and in some cases, being able to swat away flies and having an immune system is the only thing keeping us from having our eyes and tongues eaten out by maggots. Zombies in any part of the world with a fly problem are going to be swarming with maggots in short order, meaning that most of their soft tissues will be infested, and their eyes will be very quickly useless.

Not so disgusting now, are they? OK, yeah, but show a little respect.

We'll scale up a bit: In America alone, we have bears, wolves, coyotes and cougars, all of which can put well-armed, thinking, fast-moving humans on the menu, if the conditions are right. To most predators, the "right conditions" are when the animal is weak or infirm, or otherwise generally unable to defend themselves, like a walking corpse. Hell, just think of the millions of stray dogs out there who'll quickly learn that zombies are an easy meal.

Now imagine zombie hordes wandering Africa. Between lions and cape buffalo (and hippos, and rhinos, and elephants), we'd finally have a disease that Africa is better suited than the rest of the world to defend itself against.

#6.

 

They Can't Take the Heat

It's generally accepted by zombie experts that they're going to continue to rot, even as they shamble around the streets. What the movies fail to convey, however, is the gruesome yet strangely hilarious effect the hot sun has on a rotting corpse.

The first concern is putrefaction. Thanks to the plethora of bacteria we use in our colon for digesting plant matter, called gut flora, our bodies are ripe for decay the second our heart stops. Since heat speeds the growth of bacteria (which are plenty happy to start feasting on you once your immune system is no longer a concern) the zombie's got a looming expiration date the very second it turns.

Dead bodies bloat because of the gases created by the bacteria, meaning that in warmer areas even Abercrombie Zombies are going to start getting fat in the first few days. After a few weeks of this, the nasty, bloated zombie army is going to start doing something that is simultaneously the most awesome and disturbing thing a zombie can do: they will start exploding (CAUTION! Pictures!). The warm, moist conditions in the tropical and subtropical parts of the world (or even just summer in the temperate parts) speeds this condition, meaning a July zombie outbreak pretty much anywhere would be over in a few weeks just by virtue of the rampaging monsters bursting like rancid meat balloons.

At the other end of the heat spectrum is dry heat. If you're in Phoenix or the Sahara when the apocalypse hits, the zombies might begin to mummify in the blazing sun and heat. While the normal symptoms of dehydration are not a concern for a zombie, there is the problem of desiccation. With no reasonable means of replenishing the water in their cells, zombies walking around in the Texas heat all day are going to suffer cell damage due to direct sun exposure to their skin, and thanks to the drying effect wind has, the Southwestern dead will stumble around more and more ineffectively until, at some point, they simply drop and wait for the scavengers to come pick them up for the annual Slim Jim harvest.

So they'd better hope the outbreak happens during the winter, right? Well...

#5.

 

They Can't Handle the Cold

Zombies are dead meat. No arguing that; it's their one defining characteristic. But everybody focuses on that "dead" part like it's such a huge deal. They often forget about the "meat." Do you know what else is dead meat? Steak, hamburger, possibly even that red grease mush inside of Taco Bell food.

Look at it.

When flesh is alive, it's got all sorts of defense systems to keep it that way. When it's dead, you have to throw it away in about a week even if you seal it up in plastic and keep it at a carefully modulated temperature. Now, your first inclination may be to think of cold as dead meat's friend, after all, the surest way to defeat that week-long deadline is to freeze steak, keeping it fresh for months. But don't forget: Unregulated cold does awful shit to formerly living things. If you live far enough north, the zombie apocalypse will probably work itself out the first time it tries to go outside. The first zombie-killer is the simple fact that the human body is mostly water, and water freezes. Once the temperature drops to freezing (or near it with a high wind chill), zombies will become significantly more rigid.

No word on them transforming into snow monsters.

After enough exposure, a dead body is going to be frozen solid and not chasing down any screaming victims, no matter how delicious and Rascal Scooter-bound they might be. It's also safe to assume that zombies wandering around in a wintry wonderland are not going to be wrapped air-tight in plastic like we do with food, so freezer burn becomes an issue. Seriously. The same thing that ruins your ice cream also ruins the Undead Onslaught. The freezing of the flesh at night, combined with partial thaw during warmer days, then refreezing again sets up the perfect conditions for the onset of freezer burn, which results in the cells dehydrating as water evaporates, even when frozen solid. Freezer burned meat isn't just dead, it's destroyed.

#4.

 

Biting is a Terrible Way to Spread a Disease

Hey, remember that time when that dog got rabies, and then a day later, every single other dog on the continent had it, except for a small band of survivors huddled in a basement? No? That never happened?

Nearly all of the zombie movies agree on one thing: They reproduce like a disease, one that spreads via a bite from the infected (like they have a virus carried by zombie saliva or whatever). But this also means their spread should be subject to the same rules of a normal epidemic, and biting is a shitty way to get an epidemic going.

The successful diseases have some really clever way to invisibly spread from victim to victim. The flu has killed tens of millions because it floats right through the air, the black plague was spread by fleas, etc. Not a single one of them requires the infected to get within biting distance to spread their infection. Sure, sexually transmitted diseases like AIDS work that way, but that's only because the infected can pass for the uninfected. Nobody is going to be having sex with a zombie.

Though Google Image Search does turn up a large volume of zombie porn

But let's say there is an outbreak, like if one zombie was able to bite 30 people in the crowd at an Insane Clown Posse concert before they figured out it wasn't part of the show. It's not like mankind is just utterly confused about what to do when an infection breaks out. In America you have the Center for Disease Control (CDC,) who don't tend to fuck around. Seriously, it's on their business cards.

Remember the SARS outbreak? That originated in China. The CDC and the World Health Organization put the clamps down on international travel the second it was found to have spread to North America. Flights were grounded, travel between borders was locked tight and only 43 people on the entire continent died.

No one was overlooked.

With zombieism, they don't even have to solve the mystery about how it's transmitted. It's that guy biting people. Shoot him in the head.

#3.

 

They Can't Heal from Day to Day Damage

One advantage to having a fully-functioning central nervous system is that it also does a damn good job of letting you know you've been damaged. It does this by way of pain. Think about all the paper cuts, stubbed toes and nut shots you have suffered in your life. Now imagine they never healed, just sat there and rotted while you continued to rack up other paper cuts, stubbed toes and nut shots. Pretty much every wound you've ever had would end with an amputation. One thing we know about zombies from Romero and Fulci is that they are a clumsy lot, walking into doors and helicopter blades without a second thought about what kind of damage they are suffering.

While complete insensitivity to pain seems like an awesome superpower in theory; in real life, you wind up being more like Mr. Burns than Wolverine. Congenital insensitivity to pain is a neurological condition that some people are born with, meaning they don't feel pain. They can feel everything else, but the absence of pain means they accrue damage to their bodies but are unaware of it. Even with the ability to call for help, loved ones watching out for them and our coddling society, this can still lead to all kinds of terrible shit, like infected body parts and bitten off pieces of tongue.

All the dings and bangs zombies will suffer after tripping, walking off of bridges and stumbling around on dark cloudy nights will eventually leave them limbless, toothless and with every bone in their body broken. Seriously, in the event of the Zombie Apocalypse, just stay inside, watch all the episodes of 24 back to back, then walk out on your lawn with your Corpse Rake and tidy up (you will have to buy a Corpse Rake, however, if for some reason you don't already have one).

#2.

 

The Landscape is Full of Zombie-Proof Barriers

The zombies' lack of coordination, along with the inability to see in the dark (we haven't had any infrared zombies yet, but holy shit! We call dibs on the idea) is going to spell the doom of countless zombies in any area outside of a parking lot. This is a group that doesn't know how to find roads or bridges. They just go wandering off aimlessly. Mountains, major rivers and canyons would thus quickly be home to piles of broken zombie rags stinking up the scenic views. Even if zombies had the foresight to not walk over cliffs or into raging rapids during the day, nightfall would result in most eventually walking into rivers, over cliffs and off of bridges, diminishing their numbers.

But even in nice, flat, paved cities, where it would seem like people would be extra-fucked, the landscape still works in favor of the living. History has shown that in most awful situations, people don't always act like the panicky idiots in a horror movie. In cities, people would likely congregate in the upper levels of high-rise buildings, where the invasion can be held at bay with simple security doors. Also, the streets themselves would keep the undead corralled in straight, easy-to-aim-down lines where they could be picked off by snipers, or just bored office-workers waiting out the quarantine by dropping office supplies onto the undead from the top floors.

"Do you think we can fit chairs through this?"

#1.

 

Weapons and the People Who Use Them

As we touched on briefly above, if Homo sapiens are good at one thing, it's killing other things. We're so good at it that we've made entire other species cease to exist without even trying. Add to the mix the sheer number of armed rednecks and hunters out there, and the zombies don't even stand a chance. There were over 14 million people hunting with a license in the U.S. in 2004. At a minimum, that's like an armed force the size of the great Los Angeles area.

Remember, the whole reason hunting licenses exist is to limit the number of animals you're allowed to kill, because if you just declared free reign for everybody with a gun, everything in the forest would be dead by sundown. Even the trees would be mounted proudly above the late-arriving hunter's mantles. It's safe to assume that when the game changes from "three deer" to "all the rotting dead people trying to eat us," there will be no shortage of volunteers.

Plus, if we look at zombies as a species, they are pretty much designed for failure. Their main form of reproduction is also their only source of food and their top predator. If they want to eat or reproduce, they have to go toe to toe with their number one predator every single time. That's like having to fight a lion every time you to want to have sex or make a sandwich. Actually, it's worse than that: Most top predators are only armed with teeth and claws, meaning they have to put themselves in harm's way to score a kill. Humans have rifles.

Harm's way is about 4875 feet from the end of this.

The zombies have no choice but to walk into bullets. And all this isn't even counting all the other household hand guns in the world, nor the fact that zombies also have to contend with IEDs, Molotov cocktails, baseball bats, crowbars and cars that the general public will no doubt be using to cull their numbers.

And that's just from the civilian population; counting the military and police, we have another three million or so armed people, and instead of just handguns shotguns and hunting rifles, they have machine guns, combat shotguns, sniper rifles, assault rifles, sub-machine guns, grenade launchers and the occasional taser, not to mention the training to use them effectively. But why would they even bother? When they could just roll over swaths of zombies in tanks, blast them with cluster bombs and MOABs and mow them down with miniguns from the god damn Air Force that every zombie flick seems to forget about.

Really, even if zombies existed right now, the whole concept of a zombie apocalypse is just laughable. Now robots, on the other hand...

~cracked.com