Monday, October 29, 2012

It's the end of the world as we know it...

Editor’s note: In honor of Halloween, CC Hutten and Grace Wolford take you through the what if’s of a hypothetical end-of-world situation featuring everyone’s favorite disaster scenario: zombies.

Dec. 22, 2012. Even if you don’t believe that the world is going end and are still a little apprehensive …  well, you should be because that little voice in the back of your mind is actually the apocalyptic zombie virus and the world is most likely doomed.
But there is still a small amount of hope. Like, really small. Like, microscopic. But, it is there! And if you follow these guidelines, that slim sliver of hope could become your reality.

First and foremost, avoid becoming a zombie at all costs.
Don’t accept your impending doom. Be aggressive and fight! Aim for the brain–use any means necessary.  This is the zombie apocalypse, it’s more than enough excuse to embrace your inner Chuck Norris. Keep in mind that the only way to kill the undead is to destroy the nervous system.
Don’t get drunk. At times you will be tempted—just say no. You have nothing to celebrate. This is the zombie apocalypse.
Try to avoid going into a coma before or during the zombie apocalypse—that’s how people get left behind. And die. So avoid cliffs, trampolines, rocks, swimming pools, bikes, stairs, obscene amounts of alcohol and other things that frequently lead to head injuries.

If you wake up from a coma and the zombie apocalypse has happened, just go back to sleep. You are groggy, malnourished, confused, and probably on a lot of painkillers—your chances are slim. Just go back to sleep, it will all be over soon.
Don’t get pregnant during the zombie apocalypse under any circumstances. The zombie apocalypse is neither the time nor place for babies. Babies have consistently been observed as being loud, selfish and demanding of constant affection and attention. They are the opposite of survival.

Travel in a small group, but if your group is full of dramatic morons then get out. You need good, hard working people with a lot of insecurities so they are easy to dominate.

Always be alert. If you are in a small drama-free group, do not all decide to occupy yourselves with menial tasks at the same time. I’m talking about laundry, cooking, toying with cars, abandoning responsibility, gossiping, staring at the horizon in a melodramatic way, etc.  That’s how people die.
In the perfect small tight-knit group, make sure you have a ballsy protagonist to swoop in and save the day when everything starts to head south. Preferably a sheriff with a very particular set of skills; skills he has acquired over a very long career. Skills that make him a nightmare for zombies.

Wait? What? You are the reluctant hero in question? Never leave your group, chief. Your guidance, though beneficial, has destroyed your peasants’ ability to function without you. If you leave, someone will get attacked by a zombie, drown, get shot, get a splinter, choke on macaroni, etc. They need you!
Guns are nice, but crossbows are nicer. The loud noises seem to attract zombies so educate yourself in the art of quiet weapons like crossbows, sharp sticks, rocks, knives, tear gas and axes. No guns; think Batman.
And that’s it—the most valuable piece of information to take from this is to simply think like a superhero vigilante. This may be merely satirical advice on an allegedly fiction event to you now, but come Dec. 22, you will be glad that you cut out this article and put it in your wallet. 

You’re welcome.

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