Monday, December 31, 2012


  • Don't trust anyone... not even little girls
    This should be simple enough to figure out. In dire times, like zombie apocalypses, it's best not to trust anyone. This isn't even a new concept. Doesn't anyone remember the beginning of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake? Once again, another creepy little girl.

  • Don't go to the city
    Just like with terrorists, people who want to hurt others are going to turn up where there's the largest amount of people. Plus, once someone in that city is bitten, it's only a matter of time before zombie cooties spread like wildfire around town. Ick.He's totally banging your wife
  • Never trust your partner with your wife
    This seems like common sense. If you've got a partner and you've got a wife... inevitably the two will start sleeping together. This may seem unrelated to zombies, but here's the thing: You need to have as many people on your side as possible. Having an awkward or angry riff between you and your buddy or your wife isn't going to help you survive.
  • Don't use your gun unless you must, but when you do, shoot twice
    There are multiple layers to this rule. First, as you may know from watching The Walking Dead (if you're brave enough), zombies are attracted to sound. Unless you've got a silencer, your gun is going to make a lot of noise. Also, in a post-apocalyptic setting, it's only a matter of time before you run out of bullets. If you can escape without dwindling your stock, that's better. However, if you must use your gun, shoot 'em twice. Those zombies are tricky bastards.
  • Don't wear fancy perfume
    Leave your Burberry Brit and Chanel No. 5 on your dresser back home. If you're ever swarmed by zombies the only way to escape might be to convince them that you, too, are a zombie. Smelling pretty may help you get lucky in the woods with your hubby's partner, but it's not going to fend off the zombies. Try to smell as awful as possible. Don't be afraid to wipe zombie blood on your clothing... just don't get it on you.

Most importantly...

  • Don't forget your banjo
    Remember that scene in Zombieland when Woody Harrelson takes out a zombie with a banjo smack in the face? Yeah. Banjos are for more than just pickin' and grinnin'. (Though, that would certainly be nice, too. Once you're out of other entertainment options.)

Good luck out there! And remember: Zombies are faster than they seem.


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