Sunday, March 29, 2015

Be a Mom, survive the zombie apocalypse

Guest post by Angela Clarke

As a huge zombie fan I often fantasize about when zombies rise and what I’d do.  I often think I should start running to build stamina and cardio. But like all humans I am a procrastinator.  Also I am a mom of 3 young boys.  One day while daydreaming about the end of days, I thought hard about what it’d be like and how I’d survive and I began to realize being a mom has given me skills to survive.  Let me elaborate.
10: Stealth
In a world where the undead walk the streets I’m sure moving around from hiding spot to hiding spot without being noticed will be an asset.  My parenting skills have helped this, as anyone with a new baby knows there is nothing stealthier than a parent forgetting something in a napping baby’s room and having to go back and retrieve it.
9: Food 
I assume when all the grocery stores have been raided and there’s nothing left but pet food, some people are going to resort to eating other people because who could stand the taste,  smell or even texture of pet food?  But have you even opened a jar of puree meat for babies?  The look and smell is enough to contemplate making your child a vegan.  The worst part is you have to test it to be sure it’s hot enough and trust me you can’t get that taste out of your mouth.  So that being said, I doubt there is a difference between puree beef and doggie’s gourmet canned goodness.
8: Smell
With 3 young boys there is always an array of smells– some good but most not.  They get into everything from [hopefully] mud to the most random dirt you could think of.  I once found my 2 year old eating cheerios out of the vacuum canister.  That’s not to mention the amount of diapers I have changed and blow outs I’ve cleaned up.  Bring on your rotting flesh and entrails!  My nose is ready for you.
7. First Aid and tolerance to blood
I haven’t chopped any limbs off and I haven’t had to stab any zombies in the head but I once did have to help my husband stitch up a slice in his hand (because the wait at the ER was too long).  It healed perfectly. There is always a bump, bruise or cut to deal with around here.  I assume it’s my uncoordinated genes I’ve passed along to my children, but it is teaching me how to deal with these injuries.  I may not be a doctor but I’ve spent enough time in an ER to get my intern hours.
6. Overall health
While we are on the topic of health and wellness, that is one thing I have going for me since my first trimester with my oldest son.  My immune system has been super strong and hasn’t let me down since.  That’s 7 years of puking [on me or cleaning up], coughing, snot and other bodily fluids that my immune system has laughed in the face of. Because “mom, doesn’t get a sick day!”  So apocalypse, with your expired meds and lack of doctors, I say bring it on.  I’ll be left standing with the cockroaches in the end.
5.  Weaponry
Wait what????   When you are scavenging for food and supplies there won’t be the luxury of easy to find weapons.  Especially since I live in Canada, where guns aren’t quite so easy to come by.  You will be looking for anything with a pointy end to do some damage.  Well here is where a mother’s instinct also helps.  Things you never thought of as being dangerous before you have kids, suddenly are death traps waiting to happen.  Heck put me in a jam in need of protection from some hungry zombies and I can probably MacGyver my way out with a Q-tip and a nail file.
4. Pent up rage and frustration
It sounds horrible and I would never lay a hand on my children but somewhere deep down I have years of pent up anger and frustration waiting to be unleashed.  How can 3 beautiful little boys cause such an extreme feeling?  Just ask yourself a simple question and after giving a simple answer ask “how come?”, then “why?” Come up with an answer, then ask “why?” again and again, then pretend you weren’t listening and ask the first question over again times three.  Most moms go to the gym or out with friends to vent these feelings.  I don’t get a chance to vent often so it’s there just waiting.  It makes me imagine that episode of The Walking Dead when Tyreese gets surrounded and just starts swinging that hammer and you think for sure he’s done but [spoiler alert] he’s fine and all the zombies are dead… again.
3. Lack of sleep and also a light sleeper
Any parent knows how hard it is to sleep when you have young children.  It seems they know when you stay up late because those are the nights they wake frequently and rise early, leaving you feeling like the walking dead yourself. Being a light sleeper wasn’t always a trait I had but by the third trimester of my first pregnancy I could no longer sleep through the night.  Any small noise would wake me, the sound of our cat crunching its kibble the next floor down or the neighbors car door closing.  There is a myth that it has something to do with getting mom prepared for when baby arrives and hearing them while you sneak in an hour of sleep between feedings.  These skills I assume will come in handy when there is only a thin wall between me and the horde of undead scratching at the walls.
2. Having an audience to do your “business”
They never approach that subject in the movies or TV shows.  You would have to think that going to the bathroom is complicated, not to mention dangerous in the zombie world.  You either have to [in my case] squat and pee while looking in all directions without losing your balance and being fully aware of your surroundings, or have a bathroom buddy.  Luckily for myself, I’ve been eliminating my bladder and bowel with an audience for 7 years now and I doubt it’ll stop soon.  There is also some switch that clicks when you are in labor and sprawled out for the world to see that you kind of just don’t care anymore.  That’s a great switch to have when you may need to discharge that slightly expired can of dog food that’s been wreaking havoc on your GI tract, with a near stranger within earshot.
1. Sex
Enough said!?  Well, I’m going to explain anyways.  I’ve often read that having sex would be the new favorite pass time in the undead world– because what else are you going to do?  Well, think about the last time you had sex with your partner.  Did things happen quickly?  Was there enough lube, maybe you had to use store bought magic “syrup”?  Or maybe you had to spend 30 minutes revving each others libido? Or maybe you both had to grab a quick shower to wash away the day’s dirt to get in the right mind set?  Well, those may not be options in the fast paced, low-on-resources, always looking-over-your-shoulder world.  So now you are asking:  why does having kids make that easier?  Well first off, after one child you’re usually too tired to feel sexy, especially when your new little bundle of joy cries every time your husband gets close to you like Dot the virgin alarm from Spaceballs. But you manage to sneak in some sex only to discover there’ll be a baby #2. Then things don’t work like they used to so you get used to “just making it work,” and quickly.   Remember when you were young and could orgasm fast and furious and be ready for more almost instantly?  Well it’s a nice thought to keep you warm at night because by baby #3 that is gone forever!  And so is the want for sex really.  But when that urge does come along you have 2, maybe 3 minutes tops and you best get started where you are (within reason) because before you know it a little voice is calling “mommy!” from their bedroom because of a nightmare or they just puked.  If you were “done,” good for you! But if not, try again next week.  So getting the deed done while being hunted by a horde of zombies may be a breeze compared to parenthood.

Angela Clarke is a stay at home mom of 3 boys (Dexter 6, Cleese 4 and Milo 2) from Moncton, New Brunswick, Canada.  She has been a zombie enthusiast ever since she first saw Night of the living dead 20 years ago.   For as long as she can remember she has always loved zombies and the thrill of the apocalypse.  Last year, Angela wrote a short story about zombies titled The shopping Maul available on Google play. There are plans to write part two within the year.  Angela would love to hear from you through Facebook or twitter
twitter @zombemunky

1 comment:

  1. Get daily suggestions and guides for earning $1,000s per day FROM HOME totally FREE.