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The 9 Most Brainless Zombie Movies of All Time

The best zombie movies use the shambling reanimated corpses as allegories. George Romero, the father of the dead, used zombies to represent everything from racism to consumerism as well as demonstrating that the most dangerous thing to humanity is ourselves. Pretty powerful considering the antagonists are as silent as they are numerous.

The worst zombie movies, on the other hand, use zombies to represent capitalizing on a trend and making as much money as possible before writing off their losses when the tax man comes. The movies that go this route end up being as mindless and slow as their subject matter.

It is safe to say that there are far, far, far more examples of the latter than there are the former. This could have been the top ? just based on the SyFy channel alone.

Zombie Lake

Nazi Zombies is as actually a subgenre of zombie films that, as you would expect, features the most common enemy in a first person shooter game rising from their graves. While 1977′s Shock Waves was probably the first nazi zombie movie, it certainly wasn’t the worst zombie movie. That award goes to Zombie Lake and its special effects on par with a catholic school’s carnival face painter.

Zombie Strippers

With a title like Zombie Strippers, you obviously have to be expecting a certain level of quality. As long as you are considering “none at all” a level. Depending on what your definition of “star” is, the biggest star in this movie is either Robert Englund, Jenna Jameson, or Tito Ortiz. There is more emphasis on the stripping than there is the zombieing, but that is for the best considering just how poorly written the dialog is. And if you thought a movie that could barely handle being about zombies would be made even worse if it tried to handle political satire, guess what! You are totally correct.

Return of the Living Dead 5: Rave to the Grave

The Return of the Living Dead series, an obvious mockbuster nod to Romero’s Whatever of the Living Dead series, did a fine job of standing on its own for a little while, but by the fifth one there really wasn’t anything left in the tank. Whether it was the heavily Russian accented American soldiers, the level of special effects you would expect from a SyFy Original, or a plot so uninteresting you immediately forget it when its over, this movie gives the other twenty eight terrible SyFy Originals a run for the title of worst SyFy Original.

Zombie 5: Killing Birds

I guess the number five is the unlucky number for zombie movie sequels, because the fifth entry in the Zombi/e series makes the rest of the movies in the series look more like the original Dawn of the Dead than they do the remake of Day of the Dead. Of course, Zombi is a series that is numbered as strangely as Final Fantasy games on the Super Nintendo, and none of the movies are even remotely related to each other, with Fulci’s Zombi 2 being the best. Killing Birds is a zombie movie about killer birds that features one scene of somebody being killed by birds. Sounds enthralling, right?

Survival of the Dead

It is pretty painful to have to put a George Romero film on a list that I started off with a George Romero reference, but the man – genius that he may be – has made some subpar movies in recent years. While the found footage yawnfest that utilized technology exactly the way you’d expect a 70 year old man to understand it Diary of the Dead was quite bad and deserving of some scorn, the even slower and more nonsensical Survival of the Dead is much worse. It is the Hatfields & Mccoys of zombie films, except without any of the stuff that makes a story interesting and with an ending that would be at home in a “Scary Movie” movie. Movie.

Vampires vs Zombies

This movie is also called “Carmilla, the Lesbian Vampire.”

I rest my case.

Biker Zombies

There are very few things in this world worse than an awful attempt at doing a horror/comedy movie, and most of those things involve a lot of people dying – like wars, or hunger, or capitalism. Biker Zombies is easily one of the most embarrassingly bad attempts at making a funny horror movie.

Hey, ask me whats deader than a zombie.

Go ahead.

The humor in Biker Zombies. Hah, touchdown.

House of the Dead

I don’t think a list of bad anything would be entirely complete without finding a way to stick something by the irredeemable Uwe Bol on this list. House of the Dead, based on a game that ate a ton of my quarters over the years, is one of his most egregious crimes. There’s a stupid rave, which SyFy showed us is a terrible combination with zombies, gratuitous nudity to distract you from gratuitous bad acting, and a plot that might not actually exist, which means it is actually one of Uwe Bol’s better movies. Still unwatchable to any mortal creature, however.

Zombiez

You know, I was tempted to go with something more mainstream and recognizable as the worst zombie movie ever made, but this really needs to be here. It is hard to hold up independent films with small budgets up against true mainstream failures like House of the Dead or the Day of the Dead remake, but when one is this outrageously bad it deserves recognition. The only thing this movie has less of than a budget, which was entirely spent on plastic weapons from the Halloween Costume Warehouse, is a plot. A more accurate title would have been “Bunchz of Untalentedz Assholez Walkingz Aroundz.”

Also fuck anyone that unironically uses ''z'' in place of ''s'' for any reason at all.

Seriously.

Lowest of the low.

~hecklerspray.com