Wednesday, May 15, 2013

10 Historical Figures We'd Want On Our Team During the Zombie Apocalypse

The zombie apocalypse is probably nigh—the only thing left to do is decide who you want by your side in the epic showdown. We'd like to submit the following historical badasses for consideration as part of our hypothetical zombie-slaying team. Have we considered that these dudes, being dead and all, will be reanimated corpses themselves? Of course we have. But there's only one rule in the zombie apocalypse—and that's that there are no rules. So go ahead and dibs George Washington for your crew. We're not going to stop you.
Genghis Khan—He united the Mongol Empire, and he did it with fists and swords. He's said to have once explained to an adversary, "If you had not committed great sins, God would not have sent a punishment like me upon you," so we would basically be raining the human embodiment of consequences down upon the invading zombies (who, frankly, I feel a little sorry for).
Joan of Arc—She once took an arrow to the neck during battle and continued fighting. Need we say more?
Grigori Rasputin—This inexplicable Russian mystic was stabbed by a prostitute, poisoned, shot, shot again, beaten, and then thrown into a river, where he died not of drowning but of hypothermia. When death came calling for Rasptuin, he nonchalantly told it to chill. (See what I did there?)
Anne Bonny—Anne was a real-life Pirate of the Caribbean who could curse, fight, and probably spit as well as the fellas. Right before her pirate captain (and lover) was executed, she was permitted to see him one last time; she purportedly said to him, "I'm sorry to see you here, but if you had fought like a man you need not have hanged like a dog." And that's exactly the kind of harsh, no-nonsense attitude we'll need to spur us onward to victory against the undead.
Alexander the Great—His military tactics are so legendary that we still use them today, so if we're picking teams here, we could definitely do worse than the guy who conquered most of the known world and never lost a battle.
Tomoe Gozen—She was a female samurai who operated with the kind of brutal efficiency you just can't help but admire. While her master, Minamoto no Yoshinaka, was lying on the ground dying, he told her to flee because because OH, THE UNBEARABLE SHAME of dying with a woman by your side! She responded with a shrug and something like, "Well, okay then," and fled so she could continue kicking butt and taking names.
Theodore Roosevelt—Teddy was once shot while giving a speech, so he naturally decided to just keep speaking for another hour and a half. A man whose personal philosophy was "speak softly and carry a big stick" is a not a guy you want to mess with, but it's the perfect philosophy to apply to the slaying of zombies. We can only assume he saw this coming.
Agustina de Aragon—When the men defending her city abandoned their posts during one of Napoleon's sieges, Agustina took matters into her own hands and literally manned the cannonsby herself. She later escaped prison, became a captain in the army, and helped drive the French out of Spain. Zombie-killer material? Definitely.
Attila the Hun—They called him the Scourge of God because he was a force to be reckoned with. He was a ruthless, terrifying maniac, but he was the kind of ruthless, terrifying maniac you'd want on your side.
Julie d'Aubigny—A sword master and opera singer, Julie was both vicious and delightful. She once stabbed a man in a duel and then seduced him. In that order. That's how that went down. She possessed the exact quantity of awesomeness and fierce charisma that would rally the troops when the chips are down in a zombie death battle. In fact, she has my vote for team leader.

No comments:

Post a Comment