Friday, January 9, 2015

Environmental impacts on the zombie hordes

If you are reading this, congratulations! You have not died in the first stages of the zombie apocalypse and are ready to begin creating a new world out of the ashes of the old.

You, probably.

Now, before you break your arm patting yourself on the back – look out the window and check to see where you are. I know that the headlong fleeing from a former civilisation can leave you disorientated so take your time. Where are you? What’s the weather like?

Here’s a helpful chart.

These may seem like stupid questions. “The weather?!?” you’re shouting, “The weather is cloudy with a chance of zombie!” Quiet, you fool! Noise attracts them!

Loose lips and all that.

There, this manual has already saved your life. You’re welcome. The following is why the weather is so important and try not to interrupt me again, or you will die.

Why the Weather is so Important.
Look at it this way – The rate of decomposition of a human body used to be measured using Casper’s Law or Ratio (it is now unknown if that refers to The Friendly Ghost).

I measure the rate of decomposition!

Basically, the body will decompose faster the more oxygen it receives post-mortem, allowing for temperature variations. So in a warm, wet climate a body will decompose faster than in a cool dry climate even if both bodies are completely exposed to these elements.

So…if you’re still following and haven’t been eaten because you were reading when you should have been paying attention, here are some examples of climates and whether they are ‘good’ for zombies.



The tropics are a terrible place to be a zombie, which obviously means it’s a good place to be alive. Not only will the warm climate and consistent rainfall rot a dead body faster, the biosphere is filled with all sorts of insects that just love a corpse. Not romantic love either.


Added Bonus: The warm climate means clothing is optional. You wanna repopulate the earth right?

…of societal collapse. 

Temperate Forest/Woods

Smells like rotten.

There is a reason training videos in the Pre-Times were all set in woods or forests, this is the perfect place for zombies to…Survive? Live? Exists? Continue to Be?

English – it’s still a test.

The training videos from the Romero School, up to and including Season 17 of The Walking Dead, all featured wooded areas. With a temperate to cool climate and not as many flesh devouring insects as the Tropics a healthy zombie can continue to be for many years.

This? No, I’m fine. Hi-five?

Added Bonus: There is clearly no added bonus, get out of the Temperate zones.

Mountains and Tundras


Cold preserves, ask your oldest relative about the ol’ timey device we called a fridge. You want to deal with Ice Zombies, the by all means surround yourself with snow and subzero temperatures and all that malarkey.


Dress yourself in jumpers and such. I’ll be in my shorts in the Tropics.
Added Bonus: Really?!?



Just the absolute worst. It’s a dry heat, with no real insect life, which will allow your zombie neighbours to hang around for millennia. You want to have to deal with zombie neighbours for millennia? Be my guest. Whatever, I’ve just re-invented the Pina Colada so I’m all set here on my warm wet beach.

Of course, it’s in a plastic cup. Civilisation DID end.

Added Bonus: You’re in the desert, attracting the undead horde, which makes me even safer.  So thanks for that.

No comments:

Post a Comment