12 Categories of People Most Likely to Be Zombie Food
Zombies are more popular than ever. The Walking Dead is one of the most popular shows on TV, Brad Pitt’s World War Z comes out next year and Zombie style video games are extremely popular. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, most of the population will become Zombie food. With some skills and lots of luck, some of us just may survive the biters. Here is my list of 12 categories of people that will become zombie food right away. They will make up the horde of zombies the survivors will battle to stay alive.
1. Dumb Celebrities – The Paris Hiltons of the world will be the first to become zombie food. Paris Hilton will think there is a major Halloween party going on outside and try to make out with the hot zombies.
2. Pacifists - Giving zombies a hug and trying to find the good in them will get you eaten real quick. Remove pacifists from your group immediately. They will just suck up valuable resources and while fighting for your life against a zombie they will refuse to knock the zombie off you.
3. Baggy Pants Wearing Gangster – Have fun sprinting in those baggy, low-wearing pants!
4. Obese Hoveround Drivers – Let’s face it, if you are so big that you require a Hoveround electric wheelchair to get you around you have several problems. First, the roads will be littered with hazardous obstacles. Getting around will be impossible. Second, while brain damaged, zombies will have basic eating habits. The bigger plumb, easy to grab humans will feed a small pack of zombies for days. Hoveround Drivers are a zombie jackpot!
5. Anti-Gun Law Proponents – Refusing to have a gun is trouble, never learning how to shoot one will result in death.
6. Late Night Gamers – This is like flipping a coin. If the zombie apocalypse starts from 5 a.m. to 12 p.m. the gamers that stay up until 5 a.m. playing Call of Duty or WOW are likely to get bitten in their sleep. They will simply sleep through the chaos. Even if the zombie apocalypse kicks off during their waken hours, not even a hungry zombie can break them away from a record 36 hour gaming marathon.
7. The High Rise Tower Residents – The infection will start at street level and move its way up the floors. The families on the first few levels may have enough notice to get out of the building and find a better place to hold up. The families at the top are out of luck and will have to fight their way down. Plus fires will become common places and it will suck to be on the top floor battling zombies and fires.
8. Alcoholics and Drug Users – The time to need an intervention is not during a zombie apocalypse. If you are either drunk, stoned or going through withdrawals, you are in no state to be battling zombies.
9. Those that live in the heart of big cities – Same principle as the high tower residents. The last place you want to be is in a big city with huge populations. If you are in the center of a major city, you will have to battle your way out against millions of zombies and all roads will become parking lots.
10. Runway Models – Let’s face it, if you are already malnourished and weak at the start of the zombie apocalypse, you have little chance of survival. The only benefit of being skin and bones is that the zombies will run past you to chase down the obese hoveround drivers and the baggy pants wearing gangsters. Zombie instinct will dictate they go for the larger and easier meals.
11. The Past His Prime Jock – We all know a former high school star athlete. They go through life letting you know all the touchdowns they scored 20 years ago. A zombie apocalypse is a perfect time to relive that former glory. Unwisely, they will head into battle on day one and bravely take on large hordes. The likely scenario is swinging a large wrench at the first zombie, pulling a hamstring and quickly getting sacked by a group of zombies.
12. The Line Waiters – The most annoying people on the list are the Line Waiters. They wait in tents for three days for an iPhone, a hit movie or a $100 flat screen TV on for Black Friday. They will see people running by screaming that people are being eating alive, but they are too smart to fall for that trick. Even when the zombies start eating The Line Waiters, they will refuse to leave the line and try to complain to the retail staff that some zombie cut their place in line.