As a general rule of thumb the Undead are not particularly bothered about weapons, having bitey teeth and grabby fingers are usually more than enough. For those of us still human however, teeth and fingers do not provide much security in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Weapons, weapons, weapons, that’s what we need, and while the mantra of “shoot ‘em in the head” has been drilled into us through years of zombie movies, surely there are some more… exciting methods of dispatching the undead?
Well, having gone through all the ‘documentary’ evidence from films gone by we can now present the near-definitive list of bonkers weapons used to send the undead back to re-death.
10. Bow and Arrow
As seen in: The Video Dead
Lets start off with something totally daft. Sure, it’s not a particularly strange weapon in the grand scale of things, but you’d have to be quite bonkers to rely on this to see you through waves of zombies. Unwieldy, single-shot, inaccurate and very slow to reload, a bow & arrow may net you one or two revenants, but unless you are holed up in the woods with a knife and a penchant for whittling, you’d run out of ammo in next to no time. A bow and arrow combination is best left in the world of Zelda or Robin Hood. What we need is something that doesn’t suck…
9. Vacuum Cleaner
As seen in: Dead Meat
Okay, so “doesn’t suck” was an intentionally bad choice of words there. While the bow works best as a long range weapon, a vacuum cleaner is only really any good up close and personal. As possibly the best scene in an already awesome zombie movie Dead Meat, the use of a vacuum cleaner to fend off a zombie attack was inspired. Yes, a good old nozzle in the eye! It’s a pretty slimy and gross idea, so best avoid this option if you’re on the squeamish side and naturally it’s not much use against multiple foes. However, it should take the zombie by surprise as well as knock out their depth-perception helping you to make a speedy retreat, although only as far as the extension cable will allow before you have to leave it behind.
8. Leg Gun
As seen in: Planet Terror
We can’t really continue without including at least one firearm of some description – and to be honest we’ve copped out a bit and included two here – although these guns are not your usual hobo redneck variety, they are much more bizarre. First up is from the film that brought us collectible testicles and John ‘Bruce Willis’ McClaines’ bubbly melting face: it’s the nutjob leg gun. How does she reload it or even pull the trigger? Who knows, but you have to admit its just the sort of prosthetic that’d come in handy for ensuring you got the disabled seat on the bus. And it sure is effective for wiping out flesh-hungry zombies.
7. Triple barrel shotgun
As seen in: Undead
What a false-leg machine gun is lacking is 2 extra barrels, along with the ability to be at least slightly practical. Coming across like a cross between Evil Deads’ Ash and Clint ‘Pink Cadillac’ Eastwood, Marion from the Aussie flick ‘Undead’ has created a phenomenal boom-stick. The ability to sever a zombie in two, as well as blow holes in balsa wood walls would surely come in handy in an unexplained outbreak of the undead. Even if those zombies are entangled in a schizophrenic sci-fi, alien, zombie plot mash.
6. Holy Water
As seen in: The Dead Pit
Not all zombies are affected by gunfire and violence. Sometimes it takes the Good Lord to step in and provide some ammo of his own. By getting a nun to completely change the chemical properties of water, turning it into… holy water, The Dead Pit shows that as long as you can have access to one of Jesus’ representatives and an enormous supply of water, zombies can be flushed away in pure melty-face disgustingness. It’s just a pity that this only proves effective to the loony-bin dwelling living dead, but hey, we’re all headed that way soon.
We’re into the top 5, so lets bring on some real fire power! Hit the next page to see the craziest zombie weapons.
As seen in: Night of the Creeps
Now, if you’re anything like us you never leave home without a fully fueled flamethrower. Perfect for the prom queen in all of us, it is both attractive and practical. Impress your ginger loser of a prom date by burning up all the slug-infested zombies around campus while staying toasty warm into the bargain. Just watch out for the zombie cats and dogs.
4. Boat Propeller
As seen in: Zombie Holocaust
All of these fancy-pants weapons are all well and good if you are a city dwelling land-lubber, but all you sea commuting island citizens fear not, as the perfect weapon is just out there on the jetty. Yes, grab that outboard and get to work on those clay-faced plantpot zombies. Not only is it a meaty and satisfying weapon to wield, it can also double as a decent means of propelling your boat away from the hoards. That is provided you haven’t already removed it from the dingy and plunged it into a shufflers face.
As seen in: Braindead
While a small propeller is pretty handy for taking on one zombie at a time, for power and sheer quantity of living dead that can be annihilated in one go, not much beats the spectacular lawnmower scene from Peter Jackson’s Braindead (Dead Alive). Very few weapons produce such volumes of the red stuff, and provided you have a substantial power cable (or fuel in the tank) you could roam around shredding the dead to pieces. However, one must wonder that the odds of catching some blood and fingers in the mouth must be pretty high, so you’d be risking you own humanity taking on this method. Still, it looks incredibly satisfying, eh?
2. Guitar Picks
As seen in: Wild Zero
Almost at the top end of the bizarro weapons comes some electric laser guitar pics from bonkers Japanese movie – and Guitar Wolf vehicle – Wild Zero. It was a close choice between these plectrums and the guitar/sword combination from this film, but for portability, speed and electrocutionability you can’t beat this choice of projectile. There is the obvious issue with charging up these items, so we assume they are made from recycled Duracells and parts of electric eels or something. However you make them be sure to dress like an 50′s throwback while shouting “Lock and Loll” [ZC: Is this racist? We don't know.] for maximum performance.
1. Vaginal Laser
As seen in: Girls Rebel Force of Competitive Swimmers
Crashing in at the top spot is the ideal weapon for all of us, although that is assuming that all of us are female.
Yes, what girls outfit is complete without the ultimate in self defence: a custom build internal labia laser. Who would suspect as you disrobe infront of the zombie throng that you have a frikkin’ laser-beam tucked away from prying eyes? Although faced with a similar trigger firing problem as the leg-mounted machine gun, and the potentially painful and currently unknown method of recharge the device, the all around benefits of this device are second to none. It’s a human powered laser, who wouldn’t want that? Perhaps for us guys a similarly located device could be produced so we could wield a light-sabre style groin attachment? Time to dig out that science kit from the attic…
Somewhat impressively we’ve managed to complete this list without mention of the Gods of zombie weapons; Savini and Romero, and the pair of them deserve at least a mention.
Who could forget the helicopter scalping or machete to the noggin from Dawn? the Scythe from Diary? Survival of the Dead also had some brilliantly inventive weapons such as the flare-gun to the mouth, and even back in the heady days of the 1960′s with Night of the Living Dead there were useful weapons, in a fuel pump and even a Crowbar (an item which makes very few appearances in zombie movie history). However we are not ones to take the easy route, and if Romero had been allowed into the full list then he would have potentially monopolised it, and where’s the fun there?