Saturday, November 3, 2012

Zombie Apocalypse: Know thy Enemy and Other Helpful Hints

Zombie Apocalypse Know Thy Enemy and Other Helpful Hints
Zombies, those walking undead who seem determined to shuffle towards us with no emotions but one – an intense desire to eat our brains – may be banding together for a final Zombie Apocalypse. In order to be ready, we at the Northwest Indiana Times asked area experts on what to do and what to expect when the zombies arrive.
Fight or flight?
Indiana allows its citizens to use force in the protection of themselves and their property, if they have a reasonable belief that either they, or their property is in jeopardy. I would respectfully suggest that folks use all reasonable force, including deadly force, to protect their homes, themselves, and their loved ones from an imminent zombie attack. That being said, if the zombie army is coming over the hill, and people are horribly outnumbered, there is absolutely no shame in running like hell. Tracey Wetzstein, trial lawyer
I think there are key strategies that apply to defending against any supernatural attack. Address your surroundings. Are you in a place that's on high ground and easily defended? Do you have access to waterways or interstate highways, in case you need to flee?. Do you have friends with a house that's better situated, or a workplace that can be easily secured? If so, consider making a move.Chloe Neill, author of the Chicago Vampires series
The city will be overrun in no time and your neighbors will want to eat your brains. Surviving the zombie apocalypse is basically a numbers game. The more of them there are, the less likely it is that you’re going to make it. Don’t take your car. Walk, or better yet, take a bicycle. A bike can outrun a zombie’s shamble any day. If you stay, get to your nearest Costco. They have large metal doors that can be pulled down over the entrances to keep the zombies out and no big glass windows that can be easily broken by the hordes. They have clothes, food and bathrooms there. You could probably survive indefinitely inside a Costco. Christina Henry, author of Black Lament and Black Howl
Know thy enemy
It appears that zombies can fall into two basic categories - the undead and the transformed. The undead are zombies created when dead humans suddenly become undead and begin moving around looking to eat people. Transformed zombies come from humans infected with a virus or some other agent that turns living people into zombies. Some experts classify zombies as human, i.e. Homo sapiens. Others consider them a separate species. One classification system uses Homo zombia undeadus and Homo zombia transformata to designate them as two separate species. This can have legal implications for the rights and privileges given to the zombies. For example if zombies are classified as undead humans one could not simple just re-kill a zombie on sight. The zombie would have to be charged with a crime and undergo a fair trial of its peers. Undead zombies cannot digest the people they've consumed. There is no evidence that zombies only seek brains. If they did then our nation's capital would be zombie proof.Michael S. LaPointe Ph.D. Associate Professor of Biology, Indiana University Northwest
Zombie Survival Kit
Assess your gear. Do you have survival goodies, like water, food, first aid materials, an emergency radio, and zombie-killing weaponry? (Really, any blunt object will do as long as you aim high enough). Fortify and prepare. Chloe Neill
Pack a poncho, space blanket, energy bars, water purifying tablets, Swiss army knife, matches, and a can opener. This last is pretty important when you’re raiding the abandoned grocery store. Also carry an axe, shotgun with extra ammo, hunting knife and/or a machete. Remember, aim for the head. If you cut off a zombie’s legs then the rest of it will still determinedly crawl toward you and attempt to eat you up. Christina Henry
Any other thoughts on how to handle a zombie apocalypse?
Practice leaping over obstacles while holding your weapon in your hand. Christina Henry
Visit an office supplies store and purchase a binder with dividers to separate financial plans, wellness issues, etc.--because let's face it, people: Zombies won't maintain that NIPSCO substation by your house. You'll need paper backups for all important documents. Meggie Tolkland, author of The Mayhem: Roan’s Story
Now they’re here and it really isn’t so bad though they don’t make attractive dates: Daily dealings with zombies
If you want to attract them you should play heavy metal or thrash music, which they (and only they) seem to flock to. If you want to repel them (which I would suggest) then play either banjo or accordion recordings, which will certainly drive them crazy. If you just want to give them a party, why not try any of the American Idol winners, who just might then put them to sleep. In any case, music is the key to how zombies will act and react. Ron Cohen, professor emeritus American History, Indiana University Northwest
Get ready for the inevitable explosion in zombie litigation -- trip and fall suits over folks falling over a limb left behind. Doing depositions with the undead-- whole raft of challenges there. Does one get a zombie translator? Does the response, "Braaaaaaains...." mean yes or no? And what about the whole "jury of peers" issue when trying a case. Would zombies have to be included in the jury pool? During voir dire (the questioning of the jury pool), does a zombie get automatically struck for cause if s/he tries to kill the live members of the jury pool? Because I'm a trial lawyer, I am also concerned about collectability. Most insurance policies have an exclusion for intentional acts. If a zombie bites someone, was it intentional? If so, no coverage by the insurance policy. And should zombies being allowed to practice law. What legal basis does an objection have when it sounds like, "Braaaaaaains...." How would a judge sustain or overrule that objection? By allowing the zombie lawyer to eat his opponent's noggin? Tracey Wetzstein
Zombie Love
What to do, if Hubby’s undead and you’re not? As always, communication is key. Make sure you don't break off Hubby's arms during a hug, and see a counselor or clergyperson if your mixed marriage becomes a strain. Zombies and humans often have radically different ideas of what constitutes adequate housekeeping. Meggie Tolkland, author of The Mayhem: Roan’s Story
Getting in touch with feelings—zombiewise
I would encourage the zombie to explore all possible options open to being a zombie and offer to guide them on their path of self discovery. Maybe they no longer want to feel and move like a zombie. Karen L. Jensen Certified Practitioner of The Feldenkrais Method, The Anat Baniel Method
The Zombie in the Gray Flannel Suit
I would advise individuals in the event of a zombie attack to rethink their retirement planning. Most people plan for retirement based on a life expectancy that does not take into account the possibility of being undead and living for an indefinite (and possibly unlimited) period of time. Zombies should seek legal advice to review pension plan documents to see if their lifetime annuities will continue to be paid when they are undead. I would advise employers and plan sponsors to carefully tailor their plan definitions to make it clear that life annuities will stop once an individual is dead in the traditional sense. Linda Simon, pension attorney
Might as well make a buck or two
To all Zombies: I am trained in the mechanics and neurological processes of learning movement skills. Expect to feel safe and supported. I use verbal direction, delicate, precise touch, variety, exploration, awareness and slow movements to communicate with the brain's capacity to change and grow. Karen L. Jensen
Zombies Eat Brains? Let’s Work on That
1. Suggest eating brain foods that help in concentration, brain function, attention span and memory: ginseng, berries, and fish.
2. Coffee, chocolate, energy drinks and even medications will give you an unmistakable wake up buzz. Overdo it though and it might make a zombie jittery which is definitely not a good thing.
3. Eat breakfast to fuel your zombie brain. You will perform significantly better than those zombies that don’t. Don’t want to eat brains anymore? Start eating GRAINS!
4. Whole GRAINS not brains and Avocados: Lower cholesterol, contributes dietary fiber and healthy blood flow. Zombies have to move constantly. A better way to fire up brain cells.
5. Blueberries will protect brains from the damage caused by free radicals. If they can improve the learning and muscle function of aging rats, imagine what they can do for a zombie.
6. Get your Zombie Attitude ready for a BIG DAY. Start with fruit juice, GRAIN not brain bagels, salmon, a great cup of coffee. Get a good night’s sleep even though you are tempted to prowl the earth. Stay hydrated. Mediate and relax in between long nights.
Angela Mccrovitz, chef/owner of Angela’s Pantry in Miller

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